Some things I can't do anymore

Early this week, my staff from work went on a team building trip to the Whistler Sliding Centre for an introductory bobsleigh pilot course.  Of course I left apprehensive but excited.  I wasn't sure how I would be able to steer but I thought I would figure something out.  Well unfortunately they wouldn't let me participate as either a pilot or a brakemen because of the poor mobility in my hand.  I guess what hit me hardest was having someone else tell me my body wasn't good enough.  There are many things that I have decided I can no longer do but this is the first time I think since my stroke that someone else has told me I am handicapped.  I've tried hard not to think of myself that way.

I think what I need to do for me is to work harder at what I CAN do.

Birthday Thoughts

Today is my 57th birthday.  There were times right after my stroke that reaching this day was very optimistic.  Early on people had no idea what would happen and even if I would walk again.  Well I am one of those people that has been graced with many blessings in my life including a fabulous life partner who is both beautiful and incredibly patient.  My first thought post stroke was of Kathy and what she would think.  I'm sure that having me in the hospital for 3 months was not what she had bought into.

Kathy has been my partner, my confidant and my motivation.  She inspires me to be a better person and has been by my side through everything important that has happened to me.  One of my strongest memories during my recovery was her asking me not to give up.  How could I possibly after that. Today I thank god for having her in my life and I wish for all of you to be as blessed as I have been.

Back in the Saddle Again

Well we finally had a sufficient weather window to get out on the trike yesterday.    I definitely am a fair weather rider.  I have finished many rides in the rain but I just don't seem to have the dedication to voluntarily start one in the rain.  We've had a lot of rain and cold weather - a typical Vancouver winter - and I'm glad to get an opportunity to ride.

I remember now why I love riding my trike so much.  It is the closest I come to being able to train the way I used to before my stroke.  Its hard to get a good cardio workout when you can't physically move fast enough to get your hear rate up.  I can when I'm on my trike.  I haven't set a goal yet for this year but I need to give myself some kind of a target to work towards.  I have a lot of hibernation effects to work off.

Raining again today so it looks like I/m off to the pool.  What will you remember about your accomplishments today?

The inconveniences of being a stroke survivor

One of the results of my stroke has been what is called emotional lability.  Essentially it is a decreased ability to control emotions or the experiencing of emotions that others define as out of proportion to the situation.  I guess that means that when I cry reading a book, I have an excuse.

In an article I read, it says that less than 16% of stroke survivors continue to experience emotional lability more than 2 years post stroke.  Well not only am I more than two years post stroke I guess I am firmly in that 16%.

For some reason, this week has been quite emotionally charged for me.  Certainly hearing the stories of  the children with their new glasses courtesy of the TWECS team in Ecuador has been incredibly uplifting.  The horror stories from the Phillipines  have hit home.  This morning in church we talked about the sacrifices people and families have made in conflicts around the world and part of the service included a very haunting trumpet solo played from the back of the church.  The service had me in tears many times.

During this time of Remembrance I remind myself of how lucky I am to have the family and friends that I have that encouraged me to recover and the health care system that helped me survive so that I am able to feel these things today.  It really is an inconvenience by comparison to the alternative.

Political Will

Having recently taken a job in the social service sector, I am more acutely aware of the government's approach to the "election budget".  The government budget process seems to becoming more about pleasing the electorate and less about the actual cost of social programs.  I believe that funding our social programs needs to be more about satisfying a need and less about how to achieve a balanced budget.  There are always competing needs for tax dollars, however, refusing to provide any increased dollars to the social sector in light of the pending major payout dollars in MLA pensions seems to me to be a travesty.  You see, the biggest disadvantage of voting out the liberals is the number of MLA's that will now qualify for a full pension after their two terms.We the tax payers are caught between a rock and a hard place.  Although all sectors of the economy are struggling, do you think the members of parliament are going to do anything to share our pain by forgoing these large pension payouts.  I would hope they would think that was the honorable thing to do, however, I won't hold my breath.

The Challenges of Inner Peace

Last week I listened to our minister talk about balance in life and the importance of inner peace.  She talked about how important it is to have balance in one's life in order to achieve that inner peace.  She also talked about it needing a community to raise a child.  Today I wonder about how someone could be so out of balance in their life as to attack a kindergarten full of children.  How can it be that as a community of caring people that we did sense that this man was falling out of balance before such a tragic event occurred. 


I ask you to pray for the survivors of that horrible event today that they will somehow find a way to not let that evil make a permanent impact and to somehow find something positive from today.  These events today have impacted all of us either directly or indirectly.  The real question is what if anything will we learn about ourselves today.  My calm lake certainly has some waves in it today.

Some people need a little Hope

This is the week in advent where we celebrate hope.  As a stroke survivor, I am truly blessed to have the functionality that I have.  There was a time when I hoped to be able to be able to get out of bed by myself.  To be able to stand up on my own.  Then to be able to walk again.  To me, hope is about opportunity, it is about self-dignity and it is about the future.  However, for some people, the daily struggle watching their plodding footsteps keeps their head too far down to see the horizon, never mind the sunshine that is in the sky overhead.

This is the first week in the Christian calender leading into preparing for Christmas.  Providing hope to someone can be as small a thing as offering a few encouraging words.  So while we are buzzing around in a mad blitz to get Christmas shopping completed, my hope is that we all stop and take a minute to think about providing hope to someone else.  Everyone in our community needs to be able to enjoy the sunshine.

Remember, starting something new requires taking a first step and lean forward, the next step will follow.

Rick Hansen Relay

Although it was awhile ago, I had the opportunity to participate with the relay as an endurance athlete.  The endurance athlete got to start each day with the medal and pass it to the fist medal bearer of the day.  Each day that was someone related to a school.  I got to participate for a week from Oliver to Hope.  I had originally wanted to do more riding and less "carry" mode.  However, I realize now that was more about me than the relay.

I got to meet some incredible people that Rick referred top as difference makers.  A lot of these difference makers were school kids or teachers.  When I see the quality of the kids, their supporters, and the communities we visited it helps restore my faith in the human condition.

Many of the people involved with the relay had significant challenges to overcome and yet almost to a person the joy of them being selected was the forefront of all of my contacts.

The recent Olympics reminded me why I am so proud to be a Canadian.  Yes the medals were a great accomplishment but it was the way in which our Canadian athletes handled diversity I was so impressed with.  You have to really feel for our 4x100 athlete the stepped on the line.  It was a real shame that it happened but I was most impressed with the way he handled it.  Bravo.

Finally, the greatest Olympian ever?  Yes Phelps has the hardware but Ian Miller has competed in 10 straight Olympics.  How can that not be greatest.  And then there is Clara Hughes, only Olympian ever to have multiple medals in different Olympics.  That's not just great its incredible.  She takes 12 years off from professional cycling, comes back to it and finishes fifth in the world almost making it three different Olympics.  Greatest Olympian - you bet. However, it was about how they both handled not winning that makes then great.  I guess that's a true Canadian viewpoint.  Hopefully the Para-Olympics get the same kind of exposure.

Remember, its not about what happens to you in life - its what you do about it that's important.

Do wee really See what is Going on Around Us

The theme of our church service this morning was seeing hope around us. Which was very appropriate with my wife's trip to Nicaragua this week. She is on an eye care mission with TWECS (Third World Eye Care Society) providing free eye care to individuals who cannot afford it in the poorest areas of the world.

This 8-year old little boy has been legally blind since birth. His world view ended about 12 inches from his face. What he actually needed was glasses. This is a picture of him shortly after receiving his first ever pair of glasses. Imagine growing up not knowing that everything should not be fuzzy. Can you imagine how this child's world has changed simply be now being able to see?

I can think of no better example of seeing hope in the world around us than the look on this child's face. Rather than despairing, think of the possibilities and think about providing hope to those around us.

Rick Hansen Commemorative Relay

I had a very interesting experience recently volunteering with this relay. The concept of the relay is to focus on accessibility and inclusiveness in communities. The other focus is to look for difference makers in the community. I was involved in the testy event day that simulated day 271 (?) through White Rock Ladner & Richmond. I was what they are considering an endurance member that will be responsible for transporting the medal for longer distances through the less populated areas where there will be no regular medal bearers.

I was able to ride 30 - 40 kilometres altogether. I hope to join the relay for a couple of weeks when it reaches BC in March of 2012. They are starting ion New Foundland on August 24th and starting across Canada. It is a great opportunity for communities to come together to support community inclusion and to recognize various difference makers. It was a great experience and coming to a community near you soon.

Suin Run Success

My goal for the year was to run the Sun Run. I chose not to join a clinic this year primarily because I couldn't maintain a regular enough pace to stay with a group. I had big plans to do it on my own which, as most people discover, is almost impossible to do well by yourself. My training had been going well until life got in the way. The good news is I am working full time - bad news for training. Despite the disruptions in my training, I was able to run about 1/3 of the race and happily took 17 minutes off last year's time finishing in 1:48. A new post stroke PB. Maybe next year I can run the whole race.

Third time lucky

Seeking employment has been an interesting challenge as a stroke survivor. It has given me an interesting glimpse into the world that many disabled people face on a daily basis. As much as we profess to be an accepting society that does not discriminate, the amount that this affects people's perceptions is clearly evident when it comes to something such as competition for a job. It may not even be a conscious act, however, selecting a candidate is all about picking the best person for the job which can be inherently discriminatory. Add to that the loss of self-confidence from a stroke and the mixture is a potent one for many people who are attempting to create normalcy in their lives after a significant injury or loss.

I am very fortunate to have been surrounded by very positive people. That has clearly been a great influence on the approach to my rehabilitation and to my life journey. I thank my parents for instilling in me a positive approach that focuses on effort rather than achievement.

My job search has brought me to be one of two finalists on three occasions and it appears that this time I have won out. I don't have a formal offer letter in hand yet but that is on its way. So I will shortly be returning to full time work which is kind of the final piece in putting my life back together. It is just over 4 years since my stroke and I have experienced many things that others will not get the opportunity to face. I have grieved a lot and yet I've also celebrated a lot.

This journey has not been of my choosing but what I get out of it is up to me. Nobody gets to choose all the things that happen in their lives, however, they do get to decide how they feel about those events and what they are going to do about them. Keep smiling. Life is ahead of you not behind you.

Almost But Not Quite

Well last Friday I got the news...I was the bridesmaid again. I got to the third interview with a company that had a great work environment and very friendly staff and was down to two candidates but unfortunately they selected the other one. It's interesting because the whole environment felt right - in fact I was sure I was going to be selected so it certainly was a disappointment to say the least. However, on the bright side, it is good for the psyche to realize that I am in the market despite being a stroke survivor. Since this is the second time I have been one of the final two, hopefully it will be third time lucky. Keep your chin up.

I cannot Recover I can Rehabilitate

I had an interesting epiphany today. I came to the realization that I will never be the same as I used to be. I finished a workout of run/walking 9x200 meters and found that my running is still very jerky.

I originally convinced myself that I would fully recover and return to what I used to be able to do. That is what kept me going and gave me focus. I now know that is very unlikely to happen. Earlier in my travels down this road this thought would have been very depressing. This is not to say that I will not run again because I am. However, I will never have the same running style because the muscle motor patterns I have learned are different. The way I move my left leg is different.

What is important to me is that I can still do many things although they are different than they used to be. What I may need to do is find a coach or trainer that can help me improve my performance with the technique that I have developed. Recovering from a stroke I think is a misnomer. I am not going to recover to what I used to be, I am rehabilitating myself physically and cognitively to continue my life to the best of my ability.

Singing in the Rain

Sometimes in life everyone needs to go sing in the rain. Today was one of those days. I am back to job hunting and it can be a very frustrating experience. It can also be hard on one's sense of confidence. One of the challenges I still deal with on a regular basis is maintaining a sense of self confidence in light of the changes that have occurred. Job hunting is really brutal because it is all about being judged and whether you are "good enough" to do the job.

I got email this morning from my wife who shared a story about a patient she was seeing had been essentially blind for 20 years because of a surgery gone wrong. She was able to help him with a donated low vision aid that allowed him to read for the first timer in 20 years. I think of that and realize that my challenges are not so huge. So today when I got another rejection on the job hunt, I went for a walk/run in the rain. If I'm not working I might as well work on getting in shape. That is something I can control - although the weather is another matter.

The importance of Independence

Last weekend I went to Squamish to help out with an Aphasia camp by leading the cycling activity. The cycling went well but the real bonus came from the people who wanted to try out my trike. One man who I will call Mr. H. has the ability to use a cane but spends most of his time in a wheelchair. Well we got him on the trike and got his feet strapped so he could use both legs and off he went. Although he only rode up and down the driveway, the look on his face when he went by me made the whole trip worthwhile. The other two people had the same reactions of exaltation.

I think I ignited the spark in a few more people to help them rehabilitate themselves. For these people to see that there is more to what they are capable of is an incredible feeling. I hope they follow through on it.

I Did it

I am happy to say that the rains held off and I was able to complete the ride in 7 hours and fifty minutes. The first 60 plus kilometers to Squamish took me 3 hours and 5 minutes. The next slightly less than 60 kilometers took 4 hours and 45 minutes. It's not hard to tell which segment had the most hills. I had hoped to break 8 hours but I was really unsure how slow I would be with all those hills. It's hard to believe but I actually finished ahead of 40 people who had recorded times.

Unfortunately I have been unable to register for next year yet since they have made a decision not to allow recumbents next year for some reason I have yet to fathom. I am hoping that they will reconsider since I want to see if I can improve on this year's time.

One week to Go

Well it has been challenging training for this event as my normal training buddies have quickly out paced me as their training has ramped up. Although I have had more time than I expected, I still have found it hard to get some of the longer rides in. My longest ride to date has been only 90 km. I am very slow on the uphills. That is partly from my fitness level and partly because of my trike. I have been averaging about 100 - 150 km per week cycling so I am hoping that will be enough. I am not worried about finishing the ride, however, the segment from Squamish to Whistler has a lot of climbing and last year on the Rodger's Pass leg I averaged only 10 km per hour. I need to average about 15 km per hour to make the time cutoff. I feel like I am ready though. Yesterday I rode 40 km in fastest time ever post stroke @ 1:56:33PS. I have decided that my times in events now will be followed with a PS for post-stroke.

As a side note, my running/jogging is starting to progress. I can now go for about 400 yards before I have to walk, but I did walk/run for 6 km. I can actually run long enough to elevate my breathing rate so it is becoming an aerobic activity. I am hoping that the wound in my leg will be sufficiently healed to go back to swimming in October. One of the after effects of my stroke is the swelling in my weak leg from the blod clot I had during my hospital stay. The swelling inhibits the healing process for flesh wounds so I haven't been able to go in the water since March.

Now if I can just find a job. Happy recovering.

I am giving serious thought to returning to triathlon as a TTRI3 disabled athlete.

Candobiketour 2010

Brought back by popular demand. Last year's tour raised just over $4,000 which I am using to develop a mobile walking frame so that individuals can learn to walk again in an upright position with the benefit of a surrounding supporting frame. I have been working with the Tetra Society to design the frame. There are many people who will benefit from this design.

This year's goal is $10,000 to purchase speech training software for the Stroke recovery Association of BC. The ride will be from Vancouver to Whistler on September 11th. I have already registered for the ride along with 3,499 close friends. No seriously, I am participating in the Whistler granfondo. Donations, as before are tax deductible and can be made @ www.2mevents.com and select the Candobiketour fund raising event. This year you can pay be credit card and receive a tax receipt automatically. Cheques can be mailed to Stroke Recovery Association of BC #301 - 1212 W Broadway, Vancouver, BC V6H 3V1. Just mark them as Candobiketour.

Much thanks and happy recovery.

OlympicTorch Relay

Had an awesome experience today as a torch bearer for the Olympic Torch Relay. Today was the three year anniversary of my stroke. I didn't really think too much about that today. I was thinking more about no tripping and lighting someone on fire.

Seriously, I have been working with Heather Branscombe, a neuro-physio in Abbotsford to see if I can learn to run again. Today I jogged about half of the 300 metres. I'm very excited because I really think that I may be able to run again. I didn't really focus on the crowd very much because I was focusing on not falling. However, today really was for me. It was about me recognizing that I can push the envelope and start jogging.

The one thing about carrying the torch I was not prepared for was the impact it had on other people. I had many many people want to take pictures or have their picture taken with the torch. At my son's school they had someone who was supposed to come in and see the kids. However they only got to one classroom. I went up and spent the afternoon so each child could get their picture taken with the torch. The kids were so excited. I'm glad I got the opportunity. Tonight I have the first session of the Sun Run Walking clinic.